Just Joking

The Tart and the Lady

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him, saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse,’

The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’

Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’

Christmas Time

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: “What a Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all fly to the Bahamas .”

Respect for authority

An officer from the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry (DAFF) stops at a farm just outside of Griffith and talks with the old farmer. He tells the bloke, “I need to inspect your farm for illegal cultivations, like marijuana.”

The old farmer says, “OK, but don’t go in that field over there, with the two huge gum trees standing side by side.”

The DAFF officer verbally explodes, saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the federal government of the Commonwealth of Australia with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old man nods politely and starts quietly going about his chores. Later, he hears loud screams and spies the DAFF officer running for his life. Close behind him is the farmer’s wild bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

Explaining why the West is ‘cactus’

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile .

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.

Not sure of how to utilise that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team’s management structure was totally reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to ‘equal the competition’ and some of the resultant savings were channelled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here’s something else to think about: GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter’s results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM rack s up 9 billion in losses

The GM executives are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN’T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

 
 
 
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OZ Cabbie February 2017

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