A cabbie gets pulled over by the cops and told it’s a random breath test so one deep breath is required into the breathalyser. “Na can't do that”, says the cabbie. “I'm asthmatic". The Cop’s annoyed and suggests he get out of his taxi and he will take him to the cop shop for a blood test. "Na can’t do that" says the cabbie. "I'm on blood thinners for a heart problem and I might bleed to death". The Cop’s now very angry and says "Out of the taxi mate, we are going to the Police station this time for a urine test. "Can't do that either”. The police officer demands to know why not, to which the cabbie replies " I'm a taxi driver and we taxi drivers are sick and tired of everyone taking the piss out of us"
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the Cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue, nervously made the following painful announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came four hours later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
"Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tyres. Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and white for peace. Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals. Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not whitelisted. Even when playing snooker. You haven't won until you've sunk the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the table. But I don't care, as long as I'm still using white toilet paper to wipe my black ass, I'm fine!”
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell rings and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,
"I have four questions.
My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?
Bloke comes home to find one of his mates shagging his wife so he stabs the bastard to death … his wife says, “carry on like that and you won’t have any mates left”.
“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”. You have taken ... my favourite actor--- Patrick Macnee, my favourite horror actor --- Christopher Lee, my favourite comedians, --- Robin Williams and Ronnie Corbett, my favourite singers ---- Joe Cocker and David Bowie my favourite author --- Tom Clancy
So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Tony Abbott, Donald J Trump, Bill Shorten, Clive Palmer and that stupid bitch from Queensland. Amen.”