Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. After they’re poured he drops them all down one after the other. The bartender comments, “Wow, I’ve never seen anyone drink that much whiskey that fast before!” The bloke responds mournfully: “Well you would too if you had what I have.” Bartender: “I’m sorry to hear that, what do you have, if I might ask?” “Fifty cents.” the bloke answers.
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable:
John Kenneth Galbraith
October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate on stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February:
It is unfortunate we can’t buy business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth: Malcolm Forbes
He is like some sherry-crazed old dowager who has lost the family silver at roulette and who now decides to double up by betting the house as well: Boris Johnson on Gordon Brown
Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence:
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it:
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it: